Sleeping Beauty

Tonight, John put Love to bed. I read to Erickson and Violet. Then, I rocked Erickson to sleep. Then it was Violet's turn. She crawled up in my lab and said:

starting to cry, "I wish you would sleep with me tonight. I wish it was like it was when I was a baby and you took a bath with me every night and watched me and you spent more time with me. I wish we didn't adopt two brothers. I wish we adopted one sister who would play with me and speak English. The boys can't speak English and it takes too long! and they don't play with me and hit me and take things from me and Erickson pulls Lovekender's hand away from me and it hurts my feelings and I'm not used to two brown boys."

Mommie: "How does that make you feel?"
Violet: "Not good. I feel lonely and I wish someone would play with me and pay attention to me. Daddy is always with the brothers and you are always at work."
Mommie: "Today, we had breakfast, went to the doctor, ate lunch, played the uno animal game, and played Sick Bay with your babies."
Violet: "I know, but I want more time with you."
Mommie: "I'll have more time with you when I finish school" (Meanwhile "Cat's in the cradle" is playing in my head. "I know daddy pays attention to you."
Violet: "But we need special girl time. That's why I want you to sleep with me." (Violet co-slept until about 2-3 years old. Now, from time to time I'll sleep in her bed with her, but since the boys are home, I don't. I'm trying to be equal. I do miss it.) "What do you want to play tomorrow?"
Violet: "babies, but not star trek babies, just regular babies."
Mommie: "Like we are girlfriends with babies."
Violet: "Yes"
Mommie: "OK, tomorrow Daddy and I have to go to the doctor..."
Violet: "AGAIN!"
Mommie: "Yes, we have to go talk to someone about how Erickson is having a hard time.
Violet: "I want to go"
M: "It's just for parents."
V: "Why?"
M: "So we can talk about how Erickson is doing and not hurt his feelings. We can tell the therapist what is going on with his fits. Would you like to talk to a doctor or therapist about how you are feeling?"
Violet: "Yes. Do I sit in a chair?"
Mom: "Yes, you sit in a chair and chat about how things are going and how it is with two new brothers in the house and the therapist listens to you and helps you with new ideas and ways to deal with that."
Violet: "And I should dress up. I should wear jeans and a shirt...or dress in my cow girl outfit with jeans and that shirt and that skirt and vest and a hat. That would look good."

Violet rolled over and I rocked her to sleep. My heart is aching. I hope this midwifery thing is worth it. I hope someday, Violet understands that I want better births for the women on the planet. I believe in all my heart the midwifery model of care and think it should be a basic human right. Meanwhile, I'm missing out on my child's 4th and 5th year on this planet. I will miss many more precious moments when I get called to a long primip birth. Now, I'm going to grab my books and notes and study Graves disease and the lab tests I need to order to diagnose that. (Which are TSH, T3 and T4 then an antibody screen.) I wonder if...when Violet, in her cap and gown is accepting her college degree, this night will flash through my mind and I'll have tears in my eyes wishing I had canned the books and crawled into bed with my baby.....

I think I will....Hashimoto's be damned...I can only do so much.

I love you Violet!I love you so much!